Well, That Oughta Do It.

I just got an offensive forward from one of my "friends" around here.

Here it is, done in the spirit of satire and parody, but laced with hatred, as per usual:

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Subject: Fwd: Illegal immigration into Canada :)

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada (a very underground paper):

A flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water."They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

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My response follows below:


NOTE: If you haven't already, please read the attached forward below about "Illegal Immigration into Canada" before reading my message, so as to put my outrage in context.

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Dear all:


As one of the few card-carrying liberals of this bunch, I can honestly say that a McCain-Palin presidency scares the hell out of me. And I can also say that the knee-jerk mocking of liberals in this email is downright offensive, although, I must admit, I've seen much worse out there in the blogosphere and sent to me by other friends and family. Liberals are not latte-sipping elitists; we're people who care about the direction of this country, believe in progress towards social and economic equality, and believe that no child should ever be abandoned to a government that has abandoned them. Justice. Equality. Freedom of thought. The principles of true democracy.

The social conservatism and foreign policy choices of McCain-Palin are frightening because both of them provoke the worst kind of xenophobic hatred among their supporters. Shouts of "Kill him!" and "Traitor!" and "Terrorist!" at GOP rallies only proves that there is much bad blood out there. Obama is not a terrorist. Not an Arab. Not a Muslim. I do applaud McCain for professing his respect for Obama, but the crowds' boos when he attempted to defend his opponent only show that you reap what you sow, and that it's far too late now to undo the divisive damage that they've (honestly, mostly Palin) gone about seeding. When we all have to live together, riling up anti-anyone sentiment in the out-for-blood way that they do is positively reckless, and, should Obama win, will come back to haunt everyone when this country disintegrates into a state of disunity. That will be the GOP legacy: a country more filled with vitriol and fear than during any other era in history, and yes, I'm including the '60s and '70s with their emblematic civil rights movements.

I'm on the job market this year, and am applying for two jobs in Canada, one in Vancouver and one in Calgary. Maybe I, too, will be part of the exodus that the below email parodies. Should I move to Canada, I'll be able to do the following things that the Neo-conservatives have continuously prevented me from doing: 1) I would have free health care so that I could actually afford the medications that I must take in order to remain firmly on this planet. Currently, I owe major thousands of $$ simply because my health care coverage as a graduate student has been so poor that for the last 6.5 years I've had to put my meds on my credit cards. $2000/year of prescription coverage. $6,000+ in expenses/year. You do the math. Universal health care? If you're healthy, I congratulate you. If you have a chronic illness like me, then well, to put it bluntly, then you're absolutel screwed. Scared universal health care is socialist? Look around you at the uninsured and impoverished and tell me then that capitalism is fair to those with less. Ideology is unimportant, and the Cold War is over. Everyone deserves the right to be healthy. 2) If I moved to Canada, I would have equal rights as a non-heterosexual and have the freedom to marry whomever I wish. Now I know some of you may oppose this on religious and/or moral"grounds, but let's put that aside for a minute and think secularly. (This is not a theocracy, after all. We *are*, contrary to all appearances, a secular nation that prizes the rights of each individual.) Are you really, *really* willing to deny any sort of right to a person based on what is essentially an issue that is none of the government's business? Would you do the same for a social class? For a racial group? No. Why is it so easy to do this to the queer community? Because we're different? Because we're "immoral"? Because we scare people with our fashion sense? It is precisely beyond unfair to legislate against a minority group *because* they're a minority group. I'm not saying you have to support or even agree with same-sex marriage. But the next time you voice your opposition, think of me and ask yourself if you'd really like to see me marginalized by the government in this, the 21st century. It's a civil rights issue, not a religious one, not a moral one. Oh, wait, yes it is moral... And the moral is to love your fellow human beings and be fair unto them. And finally, 3) I'd be able to travel to a foreign country without once having to explain the injustices of the electoral college, say ever again the words "I didn't vote for him", or feel guilty about how we squandered the world's goodwill poured out to us in the wake of 9/11. So many, many tragedies came out of that day.

I love my country very much, and it's because of that that I'm sending this to all of you. I'm not trying to get you to vote for Obama, that's not my point. I just wanted you to think about what "jokes" like this really mean to those of us who feel threatened by the government that's supposed to protect us all, not just some.

Thanks for listening.

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If that doesn't drive a stake in the coffin of our friendship, I don't know what else will... Oh well, their loss.